Hi Guys,
I hope that some of you remember me as ponopono who posted on the VIP side in the pet section about all my foundlings on the ranch where I had my horse. Sweetz please forgive me for being MIA, but I hope this post explains why. This past year has been the worst year for me in every way. I am on only kid and I am a traveling nurse for the Indian Health Service usually I work on Hopi, Zuni, Navajo, and Blackfeet reservations. I was on assignment in Montana and then Oklahoma for Christmas when I got a call from Mom saying all was well, but something didn't feel right and I headed home first week of January 2009. My Mom was having serious peripheral arterial disease symptoms and was ignoring the warning signs. Finally late February when the toes of her right foot turned black and no blood flow in her foot was detected I knew things were serious. Of course our infamous little [censored]-ant hospital here in the boon-docks of Hawaii sent my Mom home from the ER saying she had a contusion (bruise) the doctor never waited and reviewed an ultrasound that definitely diagnosed her with severe PAD. My poor mom went home in excruciating pain and all night I would give pain meds and apply heat too help alleviate the pain finally our friend who is pilot for an air emergency crew transferred her to a main hospital on Oahu and she was admitted ASAP and placed on a morphine pump. The vascular doc found that my Mom's arteries were severely blocked and did surgery as best she could to restore circulation and it was restored. But my Mom had something else going on no doctor could diagnose, she was clotting her blood even when her blood thinners were at completely therapeutic dosages. She had a filter placed to catch the clots, but she continued to go down hill after 3 months in one hospital I made the hardest decision of my life to put my Mom in a nursing home for 24 hour care. i could no longer do it by myself. I watched my Mom go from a vibrant strong woman who mowed her own lawn and was up with the sun every morning to a weakened individual who had 7 strokes and 2 heart attacks. She also was showing signs of dementia but she was still throwing clots and having small strokes and also went bak to our local hospital with a severe brain infection that is usually caused by an auto-immune disease. She never had the same doc for more than 2 weeks and none of then could diagnose her central problem finally the last week of September she had a major stroke and heart attack rendering her unable to speak, drink, or eat. Her wishes were no feeding tubes and she pulled out all IV lines so I tried to get her into hospice but the hospice director would only certify my Mom for routine home care and the nursing home would not allow hospice to care for my Mom in their facility. I tried to find a care home with no luck we have horrible medical resources on the east side of the Big Island. I had promised her she wouldn't die in the nursing home, but she had to go back there because the hospital wouldn't keep her unless i paid for her privately. The day she went back to the nursing home was the day she shut down she never made eye contact with anyone again and she wouldn't try to even take thickened water or juice. She passed away at 7 am October 6th. I wish I could have done more I lost my best friend she was young only 67 yrs. I wish i never made the promise she wouldn't die at the nursing home but I was told that hospice could care for her at hospital, but the social worker did not know our local hospice policies. Anyway I am so wracked with guilt thinking as a nurse I should of done more. I thank the Lord my best friend stayed by my side and helped through the days after her death. My family was all in New England and they helped and supported me as best they could but I had no family here. Thank the Lord my stepfather (he passed 05/2001) was a honored veteran which allowed my Mom to be buried in the lovely veteran cemetery. I just hope the pain lessens and i can forgive myself. I know logically I did all i could, but every night I lay awake thinking of what I did not do. Plus this year I lost 3 of my precious dogs while my Mom was in the nursing home or hospital. First her dog Boy-Boy, whose severe water on the brain was causing him to have uncontrolled seizures and the vet said his suffering was too great and i had to euthanize him in April, then my lovely white malamute, Natasha, developed malignant lymphosarcoma and the vet removed the largest one, but 3 weeks after the operation she was found to have tumors all over on her tongue, gums, and even down her throat plus over 30 tumors all over her body. Once again the vet said this was a losing battle and she was euthanized late July and 2 weeks later after I testified in court about my neighbors behind me and their severe animal neglect my gorgeous LabX Pono was poisoned, at 8 am he was fine perky wagging his tail by 10 am his stomach was swollen with air and blood and he was bleeding from the ears, nose, eyes, and mouth. The vet said he was given rat poison in a piece of meat. i could never prove it was them, but my last dog I have left Moxie (my Avatar) is protected like the president and she has been my rock and grief counselor as I grieve for my Mom and for all I have lost. Thank you for letting me post I just needed to get this all out. I just hope that sleep comes back soon and I will feel normal again. My family in New England asked me to come back there for good. IS it true that I should not make any serious decision for a year after a major loss? They are worried that i have no family here, but I have my friends and they are my family. Any advice would be truly appreciated.

May the Lord Bless and Protect you and those you love,
Wendy aka "MoxiesMom"

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. You have been through a lot. Please do not feel guilt. You did your best. Know that.

You should do whatever you need to do to make your life easier. I would recommend you not make any permanent decisions until you have thought about them for a period of time and know in your heart that it is the best thing for you and your future. Those who love you will understand.

Take very good care of yourself, please.

Peace.

Thank you Fermentia, It is 4 am here in Hawaii and I still cannot sleep I know sleep will return eventually and I truly thank you again for your kind words. Logic does prevail but there are times when the heart just aches for the one it has just lost.

Tonight I just found out my Nana (my Mom's Mom) is showing the same clinical course of autoimmune complications and dementia. She is in the best hospital in her New England state, but her prognosis is guarded. I pray for my Nana and hope that the Lord will recover her.

Take Care and Peace to all,
Wendy AKA "MoxiesMom"

PS: My cat CiCi and dog Moxie still spend time looking for my Mom and CiCi will only sleep on my Mom's special couch/futon or in my Mom's bed with me. Moxie keeps looking for her every time we come in from a walk. My Mom always had a treat ready for her when she came in from her walk. She won't eat the treat from me but Moxie takes the treat to her bed to sleep with it. I had to stop giving dog biscuits since she would eat them only sleep with and took a rope toy and wrapped it for 4 days in my Mom's mosy worn clothes and I use my my Mom's old sweater as a "blankie" for Moxie as well. My critters miss her as much as I do.

Also I smell my Mom's perfume in the bathroom alot her perfume never spilled in there I just like to think she is visiting and checking on me. I really miss her, for 8 years we have been the "2" musketeers and did everything together. She truly was my best friend and a great Mom. I know she is happier and in a better place.

My father died in 2004 soon after a dear life long friend also died suddenly, 26 years earlier I lost my much loved sister, so I certainly know your pain. Look, you did everything you could for your mother (it is outrageous that she wasn't allowed hospice care at the nursing home, thankfully my father was.) The reality of her death is fresh to you at the moment, but the pain will mute with time (although, to be honest, it never really goes away, but there will be a time when you will be able to not concentrate on your Mother's suffering, and will remember her as she was when she was well.) If you need to be with family, go visit them (leave your animals with a friend, I wouldn't trust them at your home without your supervision considering your neighbors.) I certainly wouldn't make any major life changes for many months.

Tigersmom -
Thank you so much for the advice. You are 100% correct about not making any serious changes. I am not thinking with my usual logic. Just a visit over Christmas would be perfect so I won't spend this first holiday season alone.
Take Care and thank you so much. I hope that all is well for you and that you enjoy the remaining weekend.
Wendy

Moxie,

I understand the guilt, I do. My mom was ill for 7 years b4 she died. She died 2 1/2 years ago.

I lived out of state and so visited as much as possible and worked w/my sisters and my father to ensure she got the best care possible. But we made A LOT of mistakes. There are so many things I would have done differently if I could do it all over.

But that is not an option. So I do understand how you feel. Fortunately, I was able to share my feelings w/my 3 siblings during and after my mom's illness. In fact a couple of times, we were so frustrated w/both my parents, the 4 of us would have conference calls.

But you did not have this luxury. You did this all by yourself. Your mother loves you still and I have no doubt that she is looking at you from heaven (or your equivalent) and wishes she could reach out and erase your pain.

Mothers love their children and never wish to cause them pain. She probably stopped eating because she did not want to be a burden.

My mom did all sorts of crazy things. But to her, I guess, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I agree, no big decisions until after a year. That is what my Dad was told but OH NO, he had to go buy a townhouse in his new girlfriend's town. They broke up a year ago and he is still trying to sell it.

A visit w/loved ones, specially over the holiday, is a GREAT idea.

Most Sincerely,

Meon

I don't know you, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I could not even get all the way through your post because it was so organically powerful. May god and loved ones in your life comfort you in such times.